ONE-LINERS

FUNNY ONE-LINERS

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I had short hair for a while, but I ended up loving it.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never (get to) happen.

I have many daft ideas: thankfully most of them never get to happen as my more conservative husband is a very useful filter!

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

All you need to remember is watching over her (means you did it in the past); All you need to remember is to watch over her (means you'll do it in future)
What we hope to accomplish is to point out / pointing out the abuse.
All I do is drink.


We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Me fail english? That's unpossible.


War does not determine who is right – only who is left.



Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.


Did you guys hear the joke about the wall? It is hilarious, I am still trying to get over it.

Exercising would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burned them.                                                           

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MAN & WOMEN

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

  

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Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

A man is like a tea bag. You can't tell how strong he is until you put him in hot water.


Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.


Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

I'm from Brooklyn. In Brooklyn, if you say, 'I'm dangerous', you'd better be dangerous.


If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.






Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.