ONE-LINERS

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not quite sure. * I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not (so) sure. * I used to be a banker, but I lost interest. * I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.  * I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time * I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. * Sleeping comes so naturally to me (that) I could do it with my eyes closed. * I was married by a judge; I should have asked for a jury. * Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. * I've been on a calendar, but never on time. * I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so/quite sure. * Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times * Stop, I can't bear these animal jokes. (a bear talking) * So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world! *  To write with a broken pencil is pointless. *  * My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it. *  If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.* Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine. * If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor. * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. * Living alone makes it harder to find someone to blame. * Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too. * You can't blame gravity for falling in love. * Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. * I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction. * I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty handy. (helpful, useful. 2 convenient, nearby) * I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). * Sure, winning isn't every thing; it's the only thing. * The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman. It's lonely at the top but you do eat better * It's lonely at the top but the view is quite nice * The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” ― Bob Marley.